Was that just a joke?
Have you ever received a comment at work that left you questioning its intent? In our upcoming article, we delve into the world of microaggressions in the workplace. These subtle manifestations take form in insensitive statements, questions and assumptions that target marginalized groups. They often leave individuals feeling hurt, disheartened and stressed. It’s time to shed light on this issue and take steps toward a more inclusive workplace.
Join us as we explore the impact of microaggressions and discover ways to foster open and constructive discussions, ultimately striving for a more inclusive and respectful work environment with Péter Rendes. Stay tuned for the full article!
Was that just a joke?
It has happened to all of us that we have received a comment from someone at work that came across as hostile. "You are quite intelligent for an Arts graduate; you might as well have a decent job" is probably my favourite example of this from my 15 years in IT, and it fits all the criteria for microaggression. These manifestations are insensitive statements, questions and assumptions that have traditionally targeted groups with little capacity for self-defence. What they have in common is that they rarely convey a direct message or feedback, but instead react to the present from a preconceived standpoint, typically using passive-aggressive communication tools to express what the group we appear to be part of is like. Microaggressions are worth talking about because if we often experience situations like this, the risk of typical stress-related illnesses increases significantly. It is also an easy and effective point to change the culture around us. In this post, we will discuss the phenomenon of microaggression, and what you can do if you feel you are receiving a similar comment from someone or even if you are the involuntary source of microaggression.
To start with, let's look at some more examples of microaggression:
- "You don't even look rural; I'm surprised you've grown up in a village."
- "You don't have kids; you can surely fix this ticket for tomorrow if you stay in for a few more hours today."
- "Women are so caring; please organize Béla's birthday party."
- "You're quite sociable for a programmer; don't you want to be a scrum master?"
Perhaps the first question that many of us have is where microaggression begins and where a silly comment is meant to end. The expression of aggression usually implies intent to cause harm: one might assume that the intent of the statement would be an important indicator. It can easily happen that a side remark, intended to be funny, does not have the desired effect and may even cause offence. At this point, it's worth pausing for a moment: what effect did you expect your joke to have? In many team cultures, teasing each other is a sign of togetherness and trust, but it's a question we should ask ourselves as a matter of self-reflection. What was my original intention?
Ideally, the intention is the starting point for all communication, not just in the case of microaggression. We translate the intention into a message, which is sent through a channel to the other party, who decodes our message, and this triggers an effect. And it is this effect that essentially separates microaggression from a simple "dumb" comment. We have full control over the translation of our intentions into messages (or at least it's worth striving for), but we have little insight into the other party's decoding processes. Could it be that the offended reaction is since this is the umpteenth time the person has received a similar comment? Could it be that they are a member of a group against their will and are working with all their might to discard even the slightest chance of the stereotypes associated with it being true? Maybe they had a terrible day, and your comment was the last straw. We don't know, and we have no control over the other person's decoding - so we find the easiest reason and say that the other person is too sensitive. But we do have control over our own encoding process and response.
How should we react when we experience microaggressions?
The key question is: Should we react to the situation or try to let it go? For a long time, we have become accustomed to not reacting to insulting remarks, as it is emotionally taxing to engage in such conversations. However, if you are a frequent target of microaggressions, it is important to know that you can choose to react. You have control over what an incident like this means for your life and work, and you have the right to create an environment where you are not affected by such incidents.
Some important questions to consider for a committed response:
What is the nature of my relationship with the person who offended me? It may be easier to respond if there is a stronger personal relationship. However, a well-discussed difficult situation may even strengthen the relationship with the other party.
How aware am I of my own feelings? In such situations, it is natural to feel anger, frustration, disappointment, or confusion. If you are experiencing strong anger, it may be worth postponing the feedback. If you are confused, it is best to immediately seek clarification regarding what the other person may have meant by their comment. If we choose to confront:
If we choose to confront:
When selecting our response, it is crucial to assess the environment. Ideally, feedback on microaggressions should take place in a private and safe space. If not, the conversation is more likely to escalate into a conflict, triggering defensive reactions and potentially leading to backlash.
Be prepared for the other side to defend themselves. No one likes to feel insensitive or prejudiced. It's worth acknowledging in advance that you understand this conversation will be uncomfortable, but that you felt uncomfortable with your previous interactions.
Use clarifying questions! Recall what the other person said and try to find out their intended meaning. Approach the situation with the assumption that the other person did not intend to harm you, as this mindset can help facilitate finding a resolution.
Write down the impact of what you heard and try to understand the person's original intention. The assumption that the encoding-decoding process has gone wrong helps to avoid making the conversation personal.
How to react when we cause a difficult situation with a comment:
Let's pause for a moment and take a deep breath: it's easy to become defensive or even to fight back, but approach this does not lead to progress. Everyone makes mistakes, and that doesn't make us bad people. Taking a moment to pause can help you to react consciously.
Ask the other party to explain exactly who hurt them and how they got hurt.
Listen actively and reflect on what it means to you. "I understand you to be saying that (summarize here in your own words), how accurate is that?"
Demonstrate understanding and apologize. "Now I understand how my actions made you feel. My original intention was (...), and I apologize for (...)."
Recognizing and addressing microaggressions is a continuous journey as we work to improve our culture. Often, old habits make these comments automatic.
The goal is not to be afraid of dialogue or even joking with colleagues, and it's unrealistic to think that you will never unintentionally offend someone with a misguided comment. Nevertheless. progress comes from engaging in open and constructive discussions about these matters.